This was originally written and posted as a Facebook note on May 6, 2009. I'm posting it here because it relates to the blog topic (and especially the post A Riff on Abinadai)...and because I knew I had written it and couldn't remember where I put it. It marked the beginning of a spiritual re-birth for me, and it was a lesson I'm still learning into my soul. Now, it's where it belongs:
"After reading an essay in the book Peculiar People, I got to
thinking about a verse that has been a sort of talisman of mine for
years. My interpretation of it was basic to my understanding of the
order of things. I understand it differently now and my world is
changed.
Mosiah 3:19 says that "the natural man is an enemy to God." I've
used those words to justify my considerable self-hatred for years. This
morning, for the first time, I looked at the words around that bold
declaration to understand its context. The entire chapter is King
Benjamin's effort to convince the people of Christ's coming, an event
that wasn't yet a fait accompli in this temporal continuum. He was
addressing their "natural" problem believing in things they couldn't
see. Viewed in this way, the carnal condition isn't so much having
desires relating to the flesh as it is being limited by that flesh,
unable to "see" things with an inner, spiritual eye. This spiritual
vision is the only way for us, in our telestial state, to sense Christ
and believe Him. Believing Christ is, of course, crucial to
transcending the conditions of mortality. Those who cling to their
limited mortal sight are condemning themselves to misery and death.
In my set of scriptures, which I have had since I was 12, this verse
is boxed off in red pen. In isolating this verse in my book from the
rest of the words around it, I have done the same thing in my mind and
heart, distorting the verse's deeper meaning. I have wrested the
scriptures without even realizing it. Of course, I had help since this
is a favorite verse for many Church members to quote, ignorantly beating
themselves and their brothers and sisters over the head. Having said
that, I feel a deep need to repent of my lack of trust in Christ's love.
He says over and over not to fear, and that the most important thing
is love. I hope this seemingly subtle paradigm shift will help me to
finally and fully receive Him. I already feel a connection with the me I
thought I had lost, and I have hope."
Monday, July 29, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Spoiled Tomatoes and Irrational Blame
When I was a kid, I hated raw tomatoes. Their taste and texture made me
squirm, inside and out. Thoughts of eating raw tomatoes made me want to vomit.
Raw tomatoes were icky.
There are those who have the same feelings about gay people. Thoughts of gay people expressing physical affection for each other cause them a visceral reaction. Gay people are labeled an abomination because of this reaction. In other words, gay people are icky.
I am icky. I am an abomination. I am gay.
I first came to understand this connection when I looked up the word "abomination" in the LDS Bible Dictionary. There I found that an abomination is "an object that excites loathing." It goes on to say that the "word is also used to denote any heathen or immoral practice; also the flesh of prohibited animals." As I recently found out, that definition traces the history of the word.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the English root abominable was first seen with this spelling as a French word derived from the Latin abominabilis. That Latin word in its active form is abominari. The first word means "deserving imprecation or abhorrence." The second means "to deprecate as an ill omen." (The words imprecate and deprecate both deal with prayer to a higher power, usually to ward something off.) Dissected further, ab means "away" or "off" and omin is a cognate of the English word omen. So, originally, if something was abominable, it was a bad omen and the superstitious Romans would pray to the gods for it to be driven away or destroyed.
Thus, according to this usage of “abomination,” gay people are an ill omen, signifying society's downfall, rather than actually bringing it about, as they’ve been accused. They are merely a symptom of the disease. The destruction of a civilization usually involves devastating pain and heartache, so it's understandable that people would be afraid. Even generations afterward, traces of a cataclysm can be seen in people, such as hoarding in the grandchildren of those who lived through the Great Depression. However, those pointing the fingers should take a good, hard look at themselves since greed and the corruption it inspires are the true culprits when any civilization crumbles.
In the Middle Ages, the word was also being spelled abhominable which was either derived from or led to an erroneous etymology, ab meaning "away" and homin meaning "man." To act "away from man" was interpreted as doing something beastly. It was this new, altered connotation that found its way into the King James translation of the Bible and has permeated our cultural discourse regarding homosexuality ever since.
Even though there are many icky things, the abomination tag has clung tenaciously and unfairly to homosexuality. (It's a little ironic since, in the case of gay men, it's an attraction to men that's the issue.) Basically, a bunch of Medieval scholars and theologians, when translating the Bible, had a gut feeling that gay people were icky, as well as the lightning rod for God’s wrath in any society’s demise, so that meant that God thought gay people were icky and had better be killed or their cooties would spread. I wonder how many times the visceral reactions of straight “holy men” have been misinterpreted as inspiration from God.
Spencer W. Kimball, former president of the LDS church wrote: "Homosexuality is an ugly sin, repugnant to those who find no temptation in it, as well as to many past offenders who are seeking a way out of its clutches." (The Miracle of Forgiveness, pg. 78) He, of course, used scripture such as Lev. 20:13 to support his point. At one point in my life, I was one of those past offenders who found the gay in me repugnant, which is a nice way to say I hated myself. This is how I get why many people hate me, too.
But gut reactions are tricky things. They are often good to follow, but they are also often misleading, causing us to run straight into danger or preventing us from taking chances that result in great things. Tomatoes, as it turns out, are very nutritious and quite tasty, even raw. The trick is not to refrigerate them because it changes their taste and texture. In the same way, gay people are often integral, contributing members of a healthy society. A few are occasionally spoiled, but as the Osmonds sang so long ago, “One bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch.” Fewer gay people would spoil if they weren’t bruised by the heavy “abomination” label, chilled out of society by an unreasonable aversion. More often than not, when someone gets to know a gay person that hasn’t been embittered by persecution or made defensive by labels, they come to enjoy that person’s company and value what they have to contribute to the community.
Maybe I'm not that icky after all.
There are those who have the same feelings about gay people. Thoughts of gay people expressing physical affection for each other cause them a visceral reaction. Gay people are labeled an abomination because of this reaction. In other words, gay people are icky.
I am icky. I am an abomination. I am gay.
I first came to understand this connection when I looked up the word "abomination" in the LDS Bible Dictionary. There I found that an abomination is "an object that excites loathing." It goes on to say that the "word is also used to denote any heathen or immoral practice; also the flesh of prohibited animals." As I recently found out, that definition traces the history of the word.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the English root abominable was first seen with this spelling as a French word derived from the Latin abominabilis. That Latin word in its active form is abominari. The first word means "deserving imprecation or abhorrence." The second means "to deprecate as an ill omen." (The words imprecate and deprecate both deal with prayer to a higher power, usually to ward something off.) Dissected further, ab means "away" or "off" and omin is a cognate of the English word omen. So, originally, if something was abominable, it was a bad omen and the superstitious Romans would pray to the gods for it to be driven away or destroyed.
Thus, according to this usage of “abomination,” gay people are an ill omen, signifying society's downfall, rather than actually bringing it about, as they’ve been accused. They are merely a symptom of the disease. The destruction of a civilization usually involves devastating pain and heartache, so it's understandable that people would be afraid. Even generations afterward, traces of a cataclysm can be seen in people, such as hoarding in the grandchildren of those who lived through the Great Depression. However, those pointing the fingers should take a good, hard look at themselves since greed and the corruption it inspires are the true culprits when any civilization crumbles.
In the Middle Ages, the word was also being spelled abhominable which was either derived from or led to an erroneous etymology, ab meaning "away" and homin meaning "man." To act "away from man" was interpreted as doing something beastly. It was this new, altered connotation that found its way into the King James translation of the Bible and has permeated our cultural discourse regarding homosexuality ever since.
Even though there are many icky things, the abomination tag has clung tenaciously and unfairly to homosexuality. (It's a little ironic since, in the case of gay men, it's an attraction to men that's the issue.) Basically, a bunch of Medieval scholars and theologians, when translating the Bible, had a gut feeling that gay people were icky, as well as the lightning rod for God’s wrath in any society’s demise, so that meant that God thought gay people were icky and had better be killed or their cooties would spread. I wonder how many times the visceral reactions of straight “holy men” have been misinterpreted as inspiration from God.
Spencer W. Kimball, former president of the LDS church wrote: "Homosexuality is an ugly sin, repugnant to those who find no temptation in it, as well as to many past offenders who are seeking a way out of its clutches." (The Miracle of Forgiveness, pg. 78) He, of course, used scripture such as Lev. 20:13 to support his point. At one point in my life, I was one of those past offenders who found the gay in me repugnant, which is a nice way to say I hated myself. This is how I get why many people hate me, too.
But gut reactions are tricky things. They are often good to follow, but they are also often misleading, causing us to run straight into danger or preventing us from taking chances that result in great things. Tomatoes, as it turns out, are very nutritious and quite tasty, even raw. The trick is not to refrigerate them because it changes their taste and texture. In the same way, gay people are often integral, contributing members of a healthy society. A few are occasionally spoiled, but as the Osmonds sang so long ago, “One bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch.” Fewer gay people would spoil if they weren’t bruised by the heavy “abomination” label, chilled out of society by an unreasonable aversion. More often than not, when someone gets to know a gay person that hasn’t been embittered by persecution or made defensive by labels, they come to enjoy that person’s company and value what they have to contribute to the community.
Maybe I'm not that icky after all.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
A Peace of Information
Friday was a really good day.
I found out the tumor in my head is more bean-sized than golf ball-sized. It's quite possible that I won't have surgery to remove it. And I have a lot of really amazing doctors contributing to the treatment plan.
Fear more often than not involves something unknown. Even if you're afraid of something you know will hurt, once you know how bad it hurts, you can grit your teeth and deal with the pain. (Or you can scream. Screaming is good if you support it properly. In any case, it's not something you have to fear anymore. You can choose to, but choosing to fear something is different altogether.)
Indiscriminate information can be a dangerous thing. Doing research on my own to prepare myself for the worst made me pretty anxious. Now, after the uncertainty of the last few weeks, I finally have some answers. What a relief that is! There are still questions left to investigate and things left to endure, but it's not nearly as bad as it could be.
I could be living with this the rest of my life, so I've thought about naming the tumor George. Nameless things usually inspire more fear. It's not a done deal, though. The thing in my head is not so much a foreign body deserving of a separate name as it is an overly exuberant creation of my own body.
"Sweet is the peace the Gospel brings..." and this was certainly "Good News."
I found out the tumor in my head is more bean-sized than golf ball-sized. It's quite possible that I won't have surgery to remove it. And I have a lot of really amazing doctors contributing to the treatment plan.
Fear more often than not involves something unknown. Even if you're afraid of something you know will hurt, once you know how bad it hurts, you can grit your teeth and deal with the pain. (Or you can scream. Screaming is good if you support it properly. In any case, it's not something you have to fear anymore. You can choose to, but choosing to fear something is different altogether.)
Indiscriminate information can be a dangerous thing. Doing research on my own to prepare myself for the worst made me pretty anxious. Now, after the uncertainty of the last few weeks, I finally have some answers. What a relief that is! There are still questions left to investigate and things left to endure, but it's not nearly as bad as it could be.
I could be living with this the rest of my life, so I've thought about naming the tumor George. Nameless things usually inspire more fear. It's not a done deal, though. The thing in my head is not so much a foreign body deserving of a separate name as it is an overly exuberant creation of my own body.
"Sweet is the peace the Gospel brings..." and this was certainly "Good News."
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Grandma Was Right
During the time I was living with my grandmother, I was being treated for depression. Grandma didn't seem to understand why I was taking medication and seeing a therapist. She said the best therapy she'd ever found for depression was work.
Although I heard what she said, I didn't take her words to heart. I thought that using work to help with depression was only masking what was wrong and wouldn't do any good.
It turns out my grandma was right. Although work doesn't cure depression, it is an excellent distraction and often allows for "processing" in the background of conscious thought.
Things in my life are really messy right now. I've been feeling the walls close in. Working this morning at the library has pushed the walls back just a little and allowed me to breathe. Grandma, you were right and I'm sorry I didn't listen earlier.
Although I heard what she said, I didn't take her words to heart. I thought that using work to help with depression was only masking what was wrong and wouldn't do any good.
It turns out my grandma was right. Although work doesn't cure depression, it is an excellent distraction and often allows for "processing" in the background of conscious thought.
Things in my life are really messy right now. I've been feeling the walls close in. Working this morning at the library has pushed the walls back just a little and allowed me to breathe. Grandma, you were right and I'm sorry I didn't listen earlier.
Monday, June 3, 2013
I'm a Schizophrenic...and Violets are Blue
Long ago, I heard a rhyme that went like this:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I.
I've known for a long time that my ability to see many points of view was related to my essentially divided nature. This morning, I came to understand another facet of this Great Divide inside of me, something that has been gnawing at me for a long time.
I am a very liberal thinker and a narrow-minded religious fanatic. Over the past three weeks, I have read What's Wrong with Homosexuality? by John Corvino and am reading Banished by Lauren Drain. One is a philosophical defense of the morality of homosexuality and the other is a memoir of a young girl's involvement with and banishment from the Westboro Baptist Church. Reading them at the same time understandably has caused me some cognitive dissonance, although until this morning I couldn't nail down just why.
It was while reading yet another of Niki Taysom's* e-mail epistles to undisclosed recipients that I understood, to my amazement and consternation, what was bothering me so much. I agreed with many of the things she said, and I agreed with many of the things that were taught to Lauren Drain in the WBC. The problem is I also agree with many of the things Mr. Corvino asserts in his book, not to mention the other "liberal" views I hold.
This psychic split was cultured in me from my childhood. Although "Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too," He also said "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and her daughter in law against her mother in law." (Luke 12: 51 - 53) Love everyone, but keep your distance if they don't live according to your understanding of righteousness. "You can't play in the mud puddle without getting dirty." How does a young person deal with such contradictory messages?
I see the consequences of wickedness everywhere. The fallout from greed, duplicity, and selfishness is thick in the air and on the ground, literally and figuratively. Many of those who point these things out are branded as radicals and are swept aside as handily as possible. Weren't prophets often persecuted for telling the truth? Wasn't Noah labeled a crazy man for building the ark? What is the line between following God and insanity?
Someone very close to me was diagnosed with an obsessive compulsive religiosity disorder. I saw firsthand what listening to the voices in one's head can turn into. I began to doubt my own ability to sort out all the voices and started shutting them out.
What does God really want from me? How can I know? Are the dangerous courses of action I sometimes feel pushed to follow really His paths? There are too many voices and I'm tired of being the rope in their tug-of-war.
At the moment, I'm definitely not all one peace, and contrary to the answers provided by the hymn, I don't know where I can turn for it, or if I can trust what I think I'm turning to.
*Niki Taysom is one of Pocatello's self-appointed coal mine canaries. She was excommunicated from the LDS church and divorced from her husband, has been involuntarily committed more than once, and attends every city council meeting. She regularly blasts Church leaders for the way they've strayed from the truth, our city council for their corrupt and socialist doings, and anyone else who doesn't live as she thinks they should. She'd be right at home in the Westboro Baptist Church except for her belief in the calling of Joseph Smith.
http://www.amazon.com/Banished-Surviving-Westboro-Baptist-Church/dp/1455512427/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370281909&sr=8-1&keywords=lauren+drain
http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Wrong-Homosexuality-Philosophy-Action/dp/0199856311/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370281948&sr=1-1&keywords=john+corvino
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I.
I've known for a long time that my ability to see many points of view was related to my essentially divided nature. This morning, I came to understand another facet of this Great Divide inside of me, something that has been gnawing at me for a long time.
I am a very liberal thinker and a narrow-minded religious fanatic. Over the past three weeks, I have read What's Wrong with Homosexuality? by John Corvino and am reading Banished by Lauren Drain. One is a philosophical defense of the morality of homosexuality and the other is a memoir of a young girl's involvement with and banishment from the Westboro Baptist Church. Reading them at the same time understandably has caused me some cognitive dissonance, although until this morning I couldn't nail down just why.
It was while reading yet another of Niki Taysom's* e-mail epistles to undisclosed recipients that I understood, to my amazement and consternation, what was bothering me so much. I agreed with many of the things she said, and I agreed with many of the things that were taught to Lauren Drain in the WBC. The problem is I also agree with many of the things Mr. Corvino asserts in his book, not to mention the other "liberal" views I hold.
This psychic split was cultured in me from my childhood. Although "Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too," He also said "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and her daughter in law against her mother in law." (Luke 12: 51 - 53) Love everyone, but keep your distance if they don't live according to your understanding of righteousness. "You can't play in the mud puddle without getting dirty." How does a young person deal with such contradictory messages?
I see the consequences of wickedness everywhere. The fallout from greed, duplicity, and selfishness is thick in the air and on the ground, literally and figuratively. Many of those who point these things out are branded as radicals and are swept aside as handily as possible. Weren't prophets often persecuted for telling the truth? Wasn't Noah labeled a crazy man for building the ark? What is the line between following God and insanity?
Someone very close to me was diagnosed with an obsessive compulsive religiosity disorder. I saw firsthand what listening to the voices in one's head can turn into. I began to doubt my own ability to sort out all the voices and started shutting them out.
What does God really want from me? How can I know? Are the dangerous courses of action I sometimes feel pushed to follow really His paths? There are too many voices and I'm tired of being the rope in their tug-of-war.
At the moment, I'm definitely not all one peace, and contrary to the answers provided by the hymn, I don't know where I can turn for it, or if I can trust what I think I'm turning to.
*Niki Taysom is one of Pocatello's self-appointed coal mine canaries. She was excommunicated from the LDS church and divorced from her husband, has been involuntarily committed more than once, and attends every city council meeting. She regularly blasts Church leaders for the way they've strayed from the truth, our city council for their corrupt and socialist doings, and anyone else who doesn't live as she thinks they should. She'd be right at home in the Westboro Baptist Church except for her belief in the calling of Joseph Smith.
http://www.amazon.com/Banished-Surviving-Westboro-Baptist-Church/dp/1455512427/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370281909&sr=8-1&keywords=lauren+drain
http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Wrong-Homosexuality-Philosophy-Action/dp/0199856311/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370281948&sr=1-1&keywords=john+corvino
Thursday, May 30, 2013
One Piece Too Many
Last Thursday, I was taking a quick lunch at Taco Bell with Chris when Dr. Kennedy, my neurologist, called. To make a long story short, after sending my scans to doctors around the country, I have been tentatively diagnosed with non-cancerous meningioma. In layman's terms, I have a tumor in the lining around my brain. It is near my pituitary gland and pressing on the optic nerve bundle for my left eye, inhibiting muscle response and causing a condition known as strabismus. I am being referred to Doctor William Couldwell in Salt Lake City for further treatment.
I'm not as frightened today as I was during the weekend. I've had a little time to process the information I was given, although I'm really anxious to see this new doctor so I can get some more answers. I'd also like to see the scans showing this remote mote in my eye. Or is it a beam? Either way, I'd really like to be able to see clearly again.
I've often wondered if there isn't a spiritual connection between my vision troubles and my choice to ignore the Church's stand on gay sexual activity. Chris articulated one of my fears for me on the drive to Idaho Falls Monday morning. He mentioned personality changes that occur with brain tumors and brain surgery. "What if you wake up and you're not gay anymore?" What if, indeed. Apparently, for all my reading and experience over the last few years, I'm in as many peaces now as I ever was.
I'm not as frightened today as I was during the weekend. I've had a little time to process the information I was given, although I'm really anxious to see this new doctor so I can get some more answers. I'd also like to see the scans showing this remote mote in my eye. Or is it a beam? Either way, I'd really like to be able to see clearly again.
I've often wondered if there isn't a spiritual connection between my vision troubles and my choice to ignore the Church's stand on gay sexual activity. Chris articulated one of my fears for me on the drive to Idaho Falls Monday morning. He mentioned personality changes that occur with brain tumors and brain surgery. "What if you wake up and you're not gay anymore?" What if, indeed. Apparently, for all my reading and experience over the last few years, I'm in as many peaces now as I ever was.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Bigger Than a Million Pride Parades
There is a custom in the LDS church for the patriarch of one's Stake to give a special blessing to those who request it. It's kind of like a personal communique from God. I am instructed in mine to walk in the right path so
others would know they would be safe to follow me. That admonition has stayed
with me and often kept me from doing things I might
have later regretted. It has also weighed heavily on me as I’ve followed a path
other than the one I was taught. That’s why the following message from a
friend, sent via Facebook, filled me with a number of conflicting emotions:
Just wanted to say that
I loved the article you posted. […] I think Prop 8 was when many of us were
forced to take a stand one way or another. My stake was one of the ones asked
to make phone calls to people in California
Side note: although I
knew and was friends with plenty of gay people before, you were the first
person who came out who I trusted to make good decisions for yourself. I know
it sounds incredibly judgmental of me, but it is what it is. When I found out
that you were gay, it was different—it became a real thing in my mind. I knew
it must have been an incredibly difficult decision for you, and I knew you
lived a life close to God. This wasn’t a choice that you had made lightly, and
you weren’t just “confused” or trying to get attention. Because I had known and
respected you for so long, I suddenly had to take this whole homosexual thing
seriously.
So back to making phone
calls to California Trent
So…I didn’t make the
phone calls in California , and when gay
marriage came up on the Washington ballot last
year (I can still vote in the state of Washington
And this whole long
story is mean [sic.] to explain
to you why I suggested you[…]and everyone else keep sharing your stories. Your personal
story had a bigger impact on my personal prejudices than a million gay pride
parades.
I’ve known
this person since we were children. As I read her message I was reminded yet
again of my father’s words. Suddenly there was doubt. Was I leading people in
unsafe paths? Was the way I live my life causing people to stray from the true
faith? What was I going to have to account for when I faced God?
Yet, I
couldn’t help feeling some gratification, even vindication. Her
beautifully-worded final sentence made me smile. I’ve sometimes been told I
should get angry and assert myself, facing down those who oppose me with fire
and force. I’ve specifically been criticized for the way I choose to support “The
Cause.” My friend confirms for me yet again that angry militancy changes
nothing for the better. Unconditional love and mutual respect will always go
further in uniting hearts and minds to heal the world than any flamboyant or
violent “in-your-face” display.
All those
voices, inner and outer, telling me I had abandoned my calling and betrayed my
gifts aren’t necessarily right. Being a true follower of Christ isn’t easy and
it involves a lot of stepping out into the darkness, identifying and trusting
the right inner voice to lead the way. It’s a struggle for me, too.
The
blessing the Patriarch gave me is being fulfilled after all. It doesn’t involve me
being some great bishop or stake president or any kind of leader, Church or
otherwise. I’m simply doing my best to understand and heed what the light
inside is telling me to do and then telling my story as authentically as I can.
If that helps others to follow the light inside them, I’m glad.
When I
face my Savior, I know I’ll have things to account for. Hopefully, I won’t
suffer for them too long. In the end, I trust His love and grace to make up the
difference after I’ve done all I can do.
We’re all
in this together and I’m really glad my friend reached out to share her story. In
doing so, she helped me continue to trust the light I feel and become all one
peace.
[This post was concurrently published on my companion blog From Where I Stand.]
[This post was concurrently published on my companion blog From Where I Stand.]
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