Long ago, I heard a rhyme that went like this:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I.
I've known for a long time that my ability to see many points of view was related to my essentially divided nature. This morning, I came to understand another facet of this Great Divide inside of me, something that has been gnawing at me for a long time.
I am a very liberal thinker and a narrow-minded religious fanatic. Over the past three weeks, I have read What's Wrong with Homosexuality? by John Corvino and am reading Banished by Lauren Drain. One is a philosophical defense of the morality of homosexuality and the other is a memoir of a young girl's involvement with and banishment from the Westboro Baptist Church. Reading them at the same time understandably has caused me some cognitive dissonance, although until this morning I couldn't nail down just why.
It was while reading yet another of Niki Taysom's* e-mail epistles to undisclosed recipients that I understood, to my amazement and consternation, what was bothering me so much. I agreed with many of the things she said, and I agreed with many of the things that were taught to Lauren Drain in the WBC. The problem is I also agree with many of the things Mr. Corvino asserts in his book, not to mention the other "liberal" views I hold.
This psychic split was cultured in me from my childhood. Although "Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too," He also said "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and her daughter in law against her mother in law." (Luke 12: 51 - 53) Love everyone, but keep your distance if they don't live according to your understanding of righteousness. "You can't play in the mud puddle without getting dirty." How does a young person deal with such contradictory messages?
I see the consequences of wickedness everywhere. The fallout from greed, duplicity, and selfishness is thick in the air and on the ground, literally and figuratively. Many of those who point these things out are branded as radicals and are swept aside as handily as possible. Weren't prophets often persecuted for telling the truth? Wasn't Noah labeled a crazy man for building the ark? What is the line between following God and insanity?
Someone very close to me was diagnosed with an obsessive compulsive religiosity disorder. I saw firsthand what listening to the voices in one's head can turn into. I began to doubt my own ability to sort out all the voices and started shutting them out.
What does God really want from me? How can I know? Are the dangerous courses of action I sometimes feel pushed to follow really His paths? There are too many voices and I'm tired of being the rope in their tug-of-war.
At the moment, I'm definitely not all one peace, and contrary to the answers provided by the hymn, I don't know where I can turn for it, or if I can trust what I think I'm turning to.
*Niki Taysom is one of Pocatello's self-appointed coal mine canaries. She was excommunicated from the LDS church and divorced from her husband, has been involuntarily committed more than once, and attends every city council meeting. She regularly blasts Church leaders for the way they've strayed from the truth, our city council for their corrupt and socialist doings, and anyone else who doesn't live as she thinks they should. She'd be right at home in the Westboro Baptist Church except for her belief in the calling of Joseph Smith.
http://www.amazon.com/Banished-Surviving-Westboro-Baptist-Church/dp/1455512427/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370281909&sr=8-1&keywords=lauren+drain
http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Wrong-Homosexuality-Philosophy-Action/dp/0199856311/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370281948&sr=1-1&keywords=john+corvino
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ReplyDeleteI apparently can't decide what I want to say, but I relate to this on a lot of levels. I spent years in a very similar mental state, to the point it literally crippled my emotional well-being. In fact, I switched my major to psychology not because I thought a degree could help me get a good job (it can't), but because I wanted to learn how to unpack the contents of my head, rearrange them, and put them back if not exactly organized, at least in small enough piles I could work through. I have experienced the discomfort of being taught very specific things by my very religious parents that I later found out weren't as black and white as they made it seem. My Dad told me once, not so many years ago, he has NEVER questioned, even once, whether the church was true, in a shade-less than humble way, and I'm certain he was being honest. Still, that statement made my jaw drop. I know it is narcissistic to quote myself, but my motto is "Faith is a wonderful thing, but blind faith is foolish. Doubt everything. Have faith in those people and ideas that prove you wrong." Doubt is just a part of who I am, and rather than seeing it as an enemy of my faith, I see it as the keystone of it. It is not that I think my father doesn't know what he is talking about (we agree on many things, with only a few notable exceptions), but I just couldn't understand how he could be so sure he was right if he had never even considered the possibility he might be wrong. What he saw as a blessing from God, I saw as evidence he had not adequately checked his blindspot (ALL people have mental blindspots, usually big enough to drive a semi through, and if you don't check them from time to time, just like when you are driving, you get run-over, without ever seeing it coming).
ReplyDeleteI know just enough about psychology to understand where the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing comes from (You have good metacognition, and most people don't. That's a compliment in psychology), but value having you as a friend too much to tell you what I think you should do about it. For me, the solution sounded simple when I first thought it, but took me 3-4 years to come to terms with, and I did not like what I found at the end (reality and I have never gotten along well). Hopefully, your questions will be a short diversion from your journey instead of my permanent detour, but either way, I wish you all the luck in the world. Oh and sorry for writing a blog on your blog, but you hit the nail on the head for me, and I just wanted to tell you that.