Last Thursday, I was taking a quick lunch at Taco Bell with Chris when Dr. Kennedy, my neurologist, called. To make a long story short, after sending my scans to doctors around the country, I have been tentatively diagnosed with non-cancerous meningioma. In layman's terms, I have a tumor in the lining around my brain. It is near my pituitary gland and pressing on the optic nerve bundle for my left eye, inhibiting muscle response and causing a condition known as strabismus. I am being referred to Doctor William Couldwell in Salt Lake City for further treatment.
I'm not as frightened today as I was during the weekend. I've had a little time to process the information I was given, although I'm really anxious to see this new doctor so I can get some more answers. I'd also like to see the scans showing this remote mote in my eye. Or is it a beam? Either way, I'd really like to be able to see clearly again.
I've often wondered if there isn't a spiritual connection between my vision troubles and my choice to ignore the Church's stand on gay sexual activity. Chris articulated one of my fears for me on the drive to Idaho Falls Monday morning. He mentioned personality changes that occur with brain tumors and brain surgery. "What if you wake up and you're not gay anymore?" What if, indeed. Apparently, for all my reading and experience over the last few years, I'm in as many peaces now as I ever was.
A connection between your "vision troubles and" your "choice to ignore the Church's stand"? Do I need to come and kick your ass? God knows that you're gay. He loves you. God does NOT give people tumors, cancer, or bad hair cuts. Tumors come from being human. Sickness happens because we live on an earth with some pretty wicked microbes. Death, hunger, and Honey Boo Boo are just some of the experiences that we learn and grow from and endure in this adventure called life. Trent, you need to let the guilt go. You are an amazing man. You have a great heart, astounding integrity, and sincere compassion. I can't say that about many members of "the Church". You are not being punished ..... You are a beacon to many. I have found strength in your journey as I am also struggling with my own identity. You'll get through this medical hiccup no doubt about it!! HUGS!!
ReplyDeleteTrent I just messaged you! I hope you don't mind me reading this post! I have to agree with your friend Sarah about most things she said. I have been trying my whole life to do just what the gospel teaches, and to be so obedient, but I still got the tumor! God loves us in incomprehensible ways, and part of that involves giving us mortal bodies that are fragile and even despite our best efforts, teach us we are nothing without him. I have long admired your choice to keep the faith while being gay. It's got to be a hard road. But you haven't allowed your faith about principles of the gospel be overridden. I praise you for the good and faithful things that you've done, and promise that you are not being punished. I don't think God works that way.
ReplyDeleteI've also worried about personality changes, and if it would make me a bad mother/spouse/friend. I can tell you that my love has increase through this process for those around me, and especially for my Savior. I hope you can get by without surgery, or that if you need it that it is an easy one to recover from.