For
the first time in two years, I'm alive again. Fully alive. As much of myself as I thought I had gained back, still I had forgotten what it was like to be this awake. This aware. To feel my heart connected to someone else this deeply. And it's
better this time. Much better. Confidence in myself makes a big difference. I'm
not perfectly confident, of course, but more so than I was before. It makes me less dependent out of need and more dependent by choice.
I've
also realized that last time was largely an illusion. Things were revealed to me yesterday that lead me to believe I was a tool, a device to create and sustain drama for
a needful period of time. What that need was I'll never really know,
but…anyway, I'll never know and it doesn't matter.
I'll never allow myself to take
this time for granted, but I'm less afraid that it's going to end. I can just enjoy it, unadulterated by fear. It's a
wonderful feeling.
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