After initially posting this to my other blog, I decided the words also belong here. Rather than copy and paste the post, I'll just provide the link:
http://allonepiecesoapbox.blogspot.com/2014/02/why-i-stay.html
Friday, February 28, 2014
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Time and Turning Forty
I was born three weeks past my due date during the hot summer of 1973. As my mother tells it, the only thing on TV was the Watergate hearings and she was miserable wondering why this projected July baby was taking so long. Frankly, I think I was trying to be my dad's 23rd birthday present. I only needed one more week, but the doctors decided I had cooked long enough. They introduced chemicals into my mother's body that started her labor, imposing their timetable on life and violating my own rhythm with theirs. Since then, I have fought time, trying to get my balance before plunging into its swirling currents.
This year I turned forty. Forty. It doesn't seem to fit me well. It's a number, a measurement that carries with it so many connotations and preconceptions. Mouths stand agape when you tell them you're forty. "I didn't know you were that old," they say. I accept the compliment but can't help feeling the change in perception that comes with it. I've been put on the scales, weighed against other forty-somethings and found wanting. I squirm inside and resent my helplessness.
Forty also stands near the apex of the average life span, affording a unique view of the traveled trail and the road ahead. From this perspective I see that whether or not I feel steady on my feet and ready to take the plunge, I need to take better advantage of the time I have left. It's time to stop fighting the current, because it's carrying me along anyway. I am not free from the imperative to swim just because I've always felt thrown in the water. No one is going to pull me out, comfort me, and gently put me back in when I feel I'm ready. It's now or never.
I don't want to get frantic, though. That's what usually happens when I haul up anchor and try to navigate the temporal current. I need to remember to breathe while I glide, and strabismus aside, I need to look ahead so I don't keep hitting rocks and submerged tree limbs. Life will always have its upsets, but looking away doesn't make them disappear.
I don't know how much time I have left, but it's time to stop wasting it.
This year I turned forty. Forty. It doesn't seem to fit me well. It's a number, a measurement that carries with it so many connotations and preconceptions. Mouths stand agape when you tell them you're forty. "I didn't know you were that old," they say. I accept the compliment but can't help feeling the change in perception that comes with it. I've been put on the scales, weighed against other forty-somethings and found wanting. I squirm inside and resent my helplessness.
Forty also stands near the apex of the average life span, affording a unique view of the traveled trail and the road ahead. From this perspective I see that whether or not I feel steady on my feet and ready to take the plunge, I need to take better advantage of the time I have left. It's time to stop fighting the current, because it's carrying me along anyway. I am not free from the imperative to swim just because I've always felt thrown in the water. No one is going to pull me out, comfort me, and gently put me back in when I feel I'm ready. It's now or never.
I don't want to get frantic, though. That's what usually happens when I haul up anchor and try to navigate the temporal current. I need to remember to breathe while I glide, and strabismus aside, I need to look ahead so I don't keep hitting rocks and submerged tree limbs. Life will always have its upsets, but looking away doesn't make them disappear.
I don't know how much time I have left, but it's time to stop wasting it.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
The Beauty of a Tadpole
I attended an Art and Spirituality workshop today given by Dave Corbett and hosted by Trinity Episcopal Church. There were many moments in those few hours that impressed me, but there's one in particular about which I've chosen to blog.
As our final project, we were invited to work on a tryptich, a three-paneled piece of art often used on altars and other sacred structures, using things cut out of magazines. There were several issues of National Geographic there and I chose one with Da Vinci's Last Supper on the cover, thinking that would provide some great religious images to use.
What really struck me most, however, was an image of two tadpoles with a caption elucidating how those beings wouldn't eat until they had reabsorbed their tails. What are they? How does it feel to have this mighty mutation occur?
These massive changes alter their very being. The journey from tadpole to frog doesn't last long but, barring outside genetic manipulation, is irreversible. It made me think of being a teen-ager. And it made me aware of my own greatly-protracted personal metamorphosis. I pondered what it was like to be Mormon and gay, how long I straddled the fence and how hard I fought not to lose the parts of myself I valued while I lost my innocence. I wondered if it ever ends.
The answer is that it never does, not for us or the tadpoles. Although there are periods of outer stasis, inside things are constantly changing or gearing up for change. Life is change as is death. We are all part of a larger cycle of life. To try to cling to one stage of development or another is to deny life itself.
Until today, if I thought of tadpoles at all, I thought they were mildly repulsive. Now they are one of the most beautiful creatures in the world.
As our final project, we were invited to work on a tryptich, a three-paneled piece of art often used on altars and other sacred structures, using things cut out of magazines. There were several issues of National Geographic there and I chose one with Da Vinci's Last Supper on the cover, thinking that would provide some great religious images to use.
What really struck me most, however, was an image of two tadpoles with a caption elucidating how those beings wouldn't eat until they had reabsorbed their tails. What are they? How does it feel to have this mighty mutation occur?
These massive changes alter their very being. The journey from tadpole to frog doesn't last long but, barring outside genetic manipulation, is irreversible. It made me think of being a teen-ager. And it made me aware of my own greatly-protracted personal metamorphosis. I pondered what it was like to be Mormon and gay, how long I straddled the fence and how hard I fought not to lose the parts of myself I valued while I lost my innocence. I wondered if it ever ends.
The answer is that it never does, not for us or the tadpoles. Although there are periods of outer stasis, inside things are constantly changing or gearing up for change. Life is change as is death. We are all part of a larger cycle of life. To try to cling to one stage of development or another is to deny life itself.
Until today, if I thought of tadpoles at all, I thought they were mildly repulsive. Now they are one of the most beautiful creatures in the world.
Monday, July 29, 2013
A Stray Piece Finds Its Home
This was originally written and posted as a Facebook note on May 6, 2009. I'm posting it here because it relates to the blog topic (and especially the post A Riff on Abinadai)...and because I knew I had written it and couldn't remember where I put it. It marked the beginning of a spiritual re-birth for me, and it was a lesson I'm still learning into my soul. Now, it's where it belongs:
"After reading an essay in the book Peculiar People, I got to thinking about a verse that has been a sort of talisman of mine for years. My interpretation of it was basic to my understanding of the order of things. I understand it differently now and my world is changed.
Mosiah 3:19 says that "the natural man is an enemy to God." I've used those words to justify my considerable self-hatred for years. This morning, for the first time, I looked at the words around that bold declaration to understand its context. The entire chapter is King Benjamin's effort to convince the people of Christ's coming, an event that wasn't yet a fait accompli in this temporal continuum. He was addressing their "natural" problem believing in things they couldn't see. Viewed in this way, the carnal condition isn't so much having desires relating to the flesh as it is being limited by that flesh, unable to "see" things with an inner, spiritual eye. This spiritual vision is the only way for us, in our telestial state, to sense Christ and believe Him. Believing Christ is, of course, crucial to transcending the conditions of mortality. Those who cling to their limited mortal sight are condemning themselves to misery and death.
In my set of scriptures, which I have had since I was 12, this verse is boxed off in red pen. In isolating this verse in my book from the rest of the words around it, I have done the same thing in my mind and heart, distorting the verse's deeper meaning. I have wrested the scriptures without even realizing it. Of course, I had help since this is a favorite verse for many Church members to quote, ignorantly beating themselves and their brothers and sisters over the head. Having said that, I feel a deep need to repent of my lack of trust in Christ's love. He says over and over not to fear, and that the most important thing is love. I hope this seemingly subtle paradigm shift will help me to finally and fully receive Him. I already feel a connection with the me I thought I had lost, and I have hope."
"After reading an essay in the book Peculiar People, I got to thinking about a verse that has been a sort of talisman of mine for years. My interpretation of it was basic to my understanding of the order of things. I understand it differently now and my world is changed.
Mosiah 3:19 says that "the natural man is an enemy to God." I've used those words to justify my considerable self-hatred for years. This morning, for the first time, I looked at the words around that bold declaration to understand its context. The entire chapter is King Benjamin's effort to convince the people of Christ's coming, an event that wasn't yet a fait accompli in this temporal continuum. He was addressing their "natural" problem believing in things they couldn't see. Viewed in this way, the carnal condition isn't so much having desires relating to the flesh as it is being limited by that flesh, unable to "see" things with an inner, spiritual eye. This spiritual vision is the only way for us, in our telestial state, to sense Christ and believe Him. Believing Christ is, of course, crucial to transcending the conditions of mortality. Those who cling to their limited mortal sight are condemning themselves to misery and death.
In my set of scriptures, which I have had since I was 12, this verse is boxed off in red pen. In isolating this verse in my book from the rest of the words around it, I have done the same thing in my mind and heart, distorting the verse's deeper meaning. I have wrested the scriptures without even realizing it. Of course, I had help since this is a favorite verse for many Church members to quote, ignorantly beating themselves and their brothers and sisters over the head. Having said that, I feel a deep need to repent of my lack of trust in Christ's love. He says over and over not to fear, and that the most important thing is love. I hope this seemingly subtle paradigm shift will help me to finally and fully receive Him. I already feel a connection with the me I thought I had lost, and I have hope."
Monday, July 8, 2013
Spoiled Tomatoes and Irrational Blame
When I was a kid, I hated raw tomatoes. Their taste and texture made me
squirm, inside and out. Thoughts of eating raw tomatoes made me want to vomit.
Raw tomatoes were icky.
There are those who have the same feelings about gay people. Thoughts of gay people expressing physical affection for each other cause them a visceral reaction. Gay people are labeled an abomination because of this reaction. In other words, gay people are icky.
I am icky. I am an abomination. I am gay.
I first came to understand this connection when I looked up the word "abomination" in the LDS Bible Dictionary. There I found that an abomination is "an object that excites loathing." It goes on to say that the "word is also used to denote any heathen or immoral practice; also the flesh of prohibited animals." As I recently found out, that definition traces the history of the word.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the English root abominable was first seen with this spelling as a French word derived from the Latin abominabilis. That Latin word in its active form is abominari. The first word means "deserving imprecation or abhorrence." The second means "to deprecate as an ill omen." (The words imprecate and deprecate both deal with prayer to a higher power, usually to ward something off.) Dissected further, ab means "away" or "off" and omin is a cognate of the English word omen. So, originally, if something was abominable, it was a bad omen and the superstitious Romans would pray to the gods for it to be driven away or destroyed.
Thus, according to this usage of “abomination,” gay people are an ill omen, signifying society's downfall, rather than actually bringing it about, as they’ve been accused. They are merely a symptom of the disease. The destruction of a civilization usually involves devastating pain and heartache, so it's understandable that people would be afraid. Even generations afterward, traces of a cataclysm can be seen in people, such as hoarding in the grandchildren of those who lived through the Great Depression. However, those pointing the fingers should take a good, hard look at themselves since greed and the corruption it inspires are the true culprits when any civilization crumbles.
In the Middle Ages, the word was also being spelled abhominable which was either derived from or led to an erroneous etymology, ab meaning "away" and homin meaning "man." To act "away from man" was interpreted as doing something beastly. It was this new, altered connotation that found its way into the King James translation of the Bible and has permeated our cultural discourse regarding homosexuality ever since.
Even though there are many icky things, the abomination tag has clung tenaciously and unfairly to homosexuality. (It's a little ironic since, in the case of gay men, it's an attraction to men that's the issue.) Basically, a bunch of Medieval scholars and theologians, when translating the Bible, had a gut feeling that gay people were icky, as well as the lightning rod for God’s wrath in any society’s demise, so that meant that God thought gay people were icky and had better be killed or their cooties would spread. I wonder how many times the visceral reactions of straight “holy men” have been misinterpreted as inspiration from God.
Spencer W. Kimball, former president of the LDS church wrote: "Homosexuality is an ugly sin, repugnant to those who find no temptation in it, as well as to many past offenders who are seeking a way out of its clutches." (The Miracle of Forgiveness, pg. 78) He, of course, used scripture such as Lev. 20:13 to support his point. At one point in my life, I was one of those past offenders who found the gay in me repugnant, which is a nice way to say I hated myself. This is how I get why many people hate me, too.
But gut reactions are tricky things. They are often good to follow, but they are also often misleading, causing us to run straight into danger or preventing us from taking chances that result in great things. Tomatoes, as it turns out, are very nutritious and quite tasty, even raw. The trick is not to refrigerate them because it changes their taste and texture. In the same way, gay people are often integral, contributing members of a healthy society. A few are occasionally spoiled, but as the Osmonds sang so long ago, “One bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch.” Fewer gay people would spoil if they weren’t bruised by the heavy “abomination” label, chilled out of society by an unreasonable aversion. More often than not, when someone gets to know a gay person that hasn’t been embittered by persecution or made defensive by labels, they come to enjoy that person’s company and value what they have to contribute to the community.
Maybe I'm not that icky after all.
There are those who have the same feelings about gay people. Thoughts of gay people expressing physical affection for each other cause them a visceral reaction. Gay people are labeled an abomination because of this reaction. In other words, gay people are icky.
I am icky. I am an abomination. I am gay.
I first came to understand this connection when I looked up the word "abomination" in the LDS Bible Dictionary. There I found that an abomination is "an object that excites loathing." It goes on to say that the "word is also used to denote any heathen or immoral practice; also the flesh of prohibited animals." As I recently found out, that definition traces the history of the word.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the English root abominable was first seen with this spelling as a French word derived from the Latin abominabilis. That Latin word in its active form is abominari. The first word means "deserving imprecation or abhorrence." The second means "to deprecate as an ill omen." (The words imprecate and deprecate both deal with prayer to a higher power, usually to ward something off.) Dissected further, ab means "away" or "off" and omin is a cognate of the English word omen. So, originally, if something was abominable, it was a bad omen and the superstitious Romans would pray to the gods for it to be driven away or destroyed.
Thus, according to this usage of “abomination,” gay people are an ill omen, signifying society's downfall, rather than actually bringing it about, as they’ve been accused. They are merely a symptom of the disease. The destruction of a civilization usually involves devastating pain and heartache, so it's understandable that people would be afraid. Even generations afterward, traces of a cataclysm can be seen in people, such as hoarding in the grandchildren of those who lived through the Great Depression. However, those pointing the fingers should take a good, hard look at themselves since greed and the corruption it inspires are the true culprits when any civilization crumbles.
In the Middle Ages, the word was also being spelled abhominable which was either derived from or led to an erroneous etymology, ab meaning "away" and homin meaning "man." To act "away from man" was interpreted as doing something beastly. It was this new, altered connotation that found its way into the King James translation of the Bible and has permeated our cultural discourse regarding homosexuality ever since.
Even though there are many icky things, the abomination tag has clung tenaciously and unfairly to homosexuality. (It's a little ironic since, in the case of gay men, it's an attraction to men that's the issue.) Basically, a bunch of Medieval scholars and theologians, when translating the Bible, had a gut feeling that gay people were icky, as well as the lightning rod for God’s wrath in any society’s demise, so that meant that God thought gay people were icky and had better be killed or their cooties would spread. I wonder how many times the visceral reactions of straight “holy men” have been misinterpreted as inspiration from God.
Spencer W. Kimball, former president of the LDS church wrote: "Homosexuality is an ugly sin, repugnant to those who find no temptation in it, as well as to many past offenders who are seeking a way out of its clutches." (The Miracle of Forgiveness, pg. 78) He, of course, used scripture such as Lev. 20:13 to support his point. At one point in my life, I was one of those past offenders who found the gay in me repugnant, which is a nice way to say I hated myself. This is how I get why many people hate me, too.
But gut reactions are tricky things. They are often good to follow, but they are also often misleading, causing us to run straight into danger or preventing us from taking chances that result in great things. Tomatoes, as it turns out, are very nutritious and quite tasty, even raw. The trick is not to refrigerate them because it changes their taste and texture. In the same way, gay people are often integral, contributing members of a healthy society. A few are occasionally spoiled, but as the Osmonds sang so long ago, “One bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch.” Fewer gay people would spoil if they weren’t bruised by the heavy “abomination” label, chilled out of society by an unreasonable aversion. More often than not, when someone gets to know a gay person that hasn’t been embittered by persecution or made defensive by labels, they come to enjoy that person’s company and value what they have to contribute to the community.
Maybe I'm not that icky after all.
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