Time and Turning Forty

I was born three weeks past my due date during the hot summer of 1973. As my mother tells it, the only thing on TV was the Watergate hearings and she was miserable wondering why this projected July baby was taking so long. Frankly, I think I was trying to be my dad's 23rd birthday present. I only needed one more week, but the doctors decided I had cooked long enough. They introduced chemicals into my mother's body that started her labor, imposing their timetable on life and violating my own rhythm with theirs. Since then, I have fought time, trying to get my balance before plunging into its swirling currents.

This year I turned forty. Forty. It doesn't seem to fit me well. It's a number, a measurement that carries with it so many connotations and preconceptions. Mouths stand agape when you tell them you're forty. "I didn't know you were that old," they say. I accept the compliment but can't help feeling the change in perception that comes with it. I've been put on the scales, weighed against other forty-somethings and found wanting. I squirm inside and resent my helplessness.

Forty also stands near the apex of the average life span, affording a unique view of the traveled trail and the road ahead. From this perspective I see that whether or not I feel steady on my feet and ready to take the plunge, I need to take better advantage of the time I have left. It's time to stop fighting the current, because it's carrying me along anyway. I am not free from the imperative to swim just because I've always felt thrown in the water. No one is going to pull me out, comfort me, and gently put me back in when I feel I'm ready. It's now or never.

I don't want to get frantic, though. That's what usually happens when I haul up anchor and try to navigate the temporal current. I need to remember to breathe while I glide, and strabismus aside, I need to look ahead so I don't keep hitting rocks and submerged tree limbs. Life will always have its upsets, but looking away doesn't make them disappear.

I don't know how much time I have left, but it's time to stop wasting it.