Friday was a really good day.
I found out the tumor in my head is more bean-sized than golf ball-sized. It's quite possible that I won't have surgery to remove it. And I have a lot of really amazing doctors contributing to the treatment plan.
Fear more often than not involves something unknown. Even if you're afraid of something you know will hurt, once you know how bad it hurts, you can grit your teeth and deal with the pain. (Or you can scream. Screaming is good if you support it properly. In any case, it's not something you have to fear anymore. You can choose to, but choosing to fear something is different altogether.)
Indiscriminate information can be a dangerous thing. Doing research on my own to prepare myself for the worst made me pretty anxious. Now, after the uncertainty of the last few weeks, I finally have some answers. What a relief that is! There are still questions left to investigate and things left to endure, but it's not nearly as bad as it could be.
I could be living with this the rest of my life, so I've thought about naming the tumor George. Nameless things usually inspire more fear. It's not a done deal, though. The thing in my head is not so much a foreign body deserving of a separate name as it is an overly exuberant creation of my own body.
"Sweet is the peace the Gospel brings..." and this was certainly "Good News."
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Grandma Was Right
During the time I was living with my grandmother, I was being treated for depression. Grandma didn't seem to understand why I was taking medication and seeing a therapist. She said the best therapy she'd ever found for depression was work.
Although I heard what she said, I didn't take her words to heart. I thought that using work to help with depression was only masking what was wrong and wouldn't do any good.
It turns out my grandma was right. Although work doesn't cure depression, it is an excellent distraction and often allows for "processing" in the background of conscious thought.
Things in my life are really messy right now. I've been feeling the walls close in. Working this morning at the library has pushed the walls back just a little and allowed me to breathe. Grandma, you were right and I'm sorry I didn't listen earlier.
Although I heard what she said, I didn't take her words to heart. I thought that using work to help with depression was only masking what was wrong and wouldn't do any good.
It turns out my grandma was right. Although work doesn't cure depression, it is an excellent distraction and often allows for "processing" in the background of conscious thought.
Things in my life are really messy right now. I've been feeling the walls close in. Working this morning at the library has pushed the walls back just a little and allowed me to breathe. Grandma, you were right and I'm sorry I didn't listen earlier.
Monday, June 3, 2013
I'm a Schizophrenic...and Violets are Blue
Long ago, I heard a rhyme that went like this:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I.
I've known for a long time that my ability to see many points of view was related to my essentially divided nature. This morning, I came to understand another facet of this Great Divide inside of me, something that has been gnawing at me for a long time.
I am a very liberal thinker and a narrow-minded religious fanatic. Over the past three weeks, I have read What's Wrong with Homosexuality? by John Corvino and am reading Banished by Lauren Drain. One is a philosophical defense of the morality of homosexuality and the other is a memoir of a young girl's involvement with and banishment from the Westboro Baptist Church. Reading them at the same time understandably has caused me some cognitive dissonance, although until this morning I couldn't nail down just why.
It was while reading yet another of Niki Taysom's* e-mail epistles to undisclosed recipients that I understood, to my amazement and consternation, what was bothering me so much. I agreed with many of the things she said, and I agreed with many of the things that were taught to Lauren Drain in the WBC. The problem is I also agree with many of the things Mr. Corvino asserts in his book, not to mention the other "liberal" views I hold.
This psychic split was cultured in me from my childhood. Although "Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too," He also said "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and her daughter in law against her mother in law." (Luke 12: 51 - 53) Love everyone, but keep your distance if they don't live according to your understanding of righteousness. "You can't play in the mud puddle without getting dirty." How does a young person deal with such contradictory messages?
I see the consequences of wickedness everywhere. The fallout from greed, duplicity, and selfishness is thick in the air and on the ground, literally and figuratively. Many of those who point these things out are branded as radicals and are swept aside as handily as possible. Weren't prophets often persecuted for telling the truth? Wasn't Noah labeled a crazy man for building the ark? What is the line between following God and insanity?
Someone very close to me was diagnosed with an obsessive compulsive religiosity disorder. I saw firsthand what listening to the voices in one's head can turn into. I began to doubt my own ability to sort out all the voices and started shutting them out.
What does God really want from me? How can I know? Are the dangerous courses of action I sometimes feel pushed to follow really His paths? There are too many voices and I'm tired of being the rope in their tug-of-war.
At the moment, I'm definitely not all one peace, and contrary to the answers provided by the hymn, I don't know where I can turn for it, or if I can trust what I think I'm turning to.
*Niki Taysom is one of Pocatello's self-appointed coal mine canaries. She was excommunicated from the LDS church and divorced from her husband, has been involuntarily committed more than once, and attends every city council meeting. She regularly blasts Church leaders for the way they've strayed from the truth, our city council for their corrupt and socialist doings, and anyone else who doesn't live as she thinks they should. She'd be right at home in the Westboro Baptist Church except for her belief in the calling of Joseph Smith.
http://www.amazon.com/Banished-Surviving-Westboro-Baptist-Church/dp/1455512427/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370281909&sr=8-1&keywords=lauren+drain
http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Wrong-Homosexuality-Philosophy-Action/dp/0199856311/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370281948&sr=1-1&keywords=john+corvino
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I.
I've known for a long time that my ability to see many points of view was related to my essentially divided nature. This morning, I came to understand another facet of this Great Divide inside of me, something that has been gnawing at me for a long time.
I am a very liberal thinker and a narrow-minded religious fanatic. Over the past three weeks, I have read What's Wrong with Homosexuality? by John Corvino and am reading Banished by Lauren Drain. One is a philosophical defense of the morality of homosexuality and the other is a memoir of a young girl's involvement with and banishment from the Westboro Baptist Church. Reading them at the same time understandably has caused me some cognitive dissonance, although until this morning I couldn't nail down just why.
It was while reading yet another of Niki Taysom's* e-mail epistles to undisclosed recipients that I understood, to my amazement and consternation, what was bothering me so much. I agreed with many of the things she said, and I agreed with many of the things that were taught to Lauren Drain in the WBC. The problem is I also agree with many of the things Mr. Corvino asserts in his book, not to mention the other "liberal" views I hold.
This psychic split was cultured in me from my childhood. Although "Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too," He also said "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and her daughter in law against her mother in law." (Luke 12: 51 - 53) Love everyone, but keep your distance if they don't live according to your understanding of righteousness. "You can't play in the mud puddle without getting dirty." How does a young person deal with such contradictory messages?
I see the consequences of wickedness everywhere. The fallout from greed, duplicity, and selfishness is thick in the air and on the ground, literally and figuratively. Many of those who point these things out are branded as radicals and are swept aside as handily as possible. Weren't prophets often persecuted for telling the truth? Wasn't Noah labeled a crazy man for building the ark? What is the line between following God and insanity?
Someone very close to me was diagnosed with an obsessive compulsive religiosity disorder. I saw firsthand what listening to the voices in one's head can turn into. I began to doubt my own ability to sort out all the voices and started shutting them out.
What does God really want from me? How can I know? Are the dangerous courses of action I sometimes feel pushed to follow really His paths? There are too many voices and I'm tired of being the rope in their tug-of-war.
At the moment, I'm definitely not all one peace, and contrary to the answers provided by the hymn, I don't know where I can turn for it, or if I can trust what I think I'm turning to.
*Niki Taysom is one of Pocatello's self-appointed coal mine canaries. She was excommunicated from the LDS church and divorced from her husband, has been involuntarily committed more than once, and attends every city council meeting. She regularly blasts Church leaders for the way they've strayed from the truth, our city council for their corrupt and socialist doings, and anyone else who doesn't live as she thinks they should. She'd be right at home in the Westboro Baptist Church except for her belief in the calling of Joseph Smith.
http://www.amazon.com/Banished-Surviving-Westboro-Baptist-Church/dp/1455512427/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370281909&sr=8-1&keywords=lauren+drain
http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Wrong-Homosexuality-Philosophy-Action/dp/0199856311/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370281948&sr=1-1&keywords=john+corvino
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