Three-year Old Snapshot

The following is a Facebook message I sent to a longtime acquaintance of mine who came out to me and asked me for my views. It's both a snapshot of where I was in life at the time and a concise expression of what has helped me chart my course over the last three years:


Dec. 4, 2008


D----,

This sounds like a phone conversation screaming to take place! I would love to talk to you about your experiences and your feelings! That will not stop me from writing a little, though.

It's been nine years since I finally decided what I was doing in life wasn't working. I'd been fighting my nature since I was very young, and one day I realized how much energy I was expending to the detriment of other areas of my life. I also realized that no matter how hard I fought, I would always be facing this struggle, and I wasn't sure I could carry that into a marriage, which was supposedly my next step.

Sooooo...longer story shortened, I'm gay. When all is said and done, my natural self wants to be with a man. The spiritual self isn't so sure, but I don't know that anyone like us would ever be able to put that one to rest. Do I still believe the gospel of Jesus Christ is true? Yes! In fact, I believe it more now that I did before, because I'm now keenly aware of my need for the atonement. The Church is a different story. I still invest in the idea of authority, but I know now that the leaders of the Church, while often inspired, are still just men...fallible men like me, especially on the local level. As far as the marriage thing goes, I just don't see how civil marriage for gay people makes the sacred concept of marriage any less precious or valuable. Frankly, I don't see straight people doing a very good job of keeping that sacred institution sacred.

Anyway, that should be enough to give basis to our discussion. My number is ---------. This week, I'm opening in a small local play, so between that and work, I don't have much time, but could we talk next week? I'm excited to talk with someone with whom I have so much in common!

Be well--

Trent

More Shadow Boxing

The Shadow Box opens tonight at the Old Town Actors' Studio. It's been an emotionally harrowing couple of days as final preparations have been made. I don't know why I expected to be emotionally stable when I'm having to repeatedly tell my stage wife I'm going to die. To access the emotions needed to do justice to the character and the text, I'm having to relive related moments in my own life. The fact that a dear, dear friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer last week has made this experience all the more poignant. Thank God her diagnosis wasn't terminal, but still...! To top it off, as I will explain in my next paragraph, I've been riding the roller coaster of new love with all of its accompanying exhilaration and anxiety. My heart is ragged and bruised, and really needs a chance to breathe.

I'm struggling with time, impending death and the fact that I can't stop either of them or make them stand still. I've allowed myself to fall deeply in love with someone significantly younger than me, and although the age difference doesn't bother the two of us, it bothers other people and they are making it difficult for us to just enjoy being together. It's very, very frustrating! I can't help being my age, and I'm not going to apologize to anyone for allowing love into my life. My God! Life is far, far too short to allow potential difficulties to deter us from taking the chances for happiness that come our way.  I'm not ignorant of the possible heartaches in the road ahead, but I refuse to live my life in fear anymore! I lived that way for far too long, and now struggle on a daily basis to change that life pattern by making bold choices and taking reasonable chances. Why can't the world just leave us alone to enjoy the brief time we have together?

For those with eyes to see and hearts to feel, the deeper message here will be clear. As Brian in the Box says: "People tell you you're dying and you say, 'All right.' But if I am dying, I must still be alive!" Instead of elaborating for pages and pages on these themes, I'm going to get up from my glowing screen and go live some life.

New Life

For the first time in two years, I'm alive again. Fully alive. As much of myself as I thought I had gained back, still I had forgotten what it was like to be this awake. This aware. To feel my heart connected to someone else this deeply. And it's better this time. Much better. Confidence in myself makes a big difference. I'm not perfectly confident, of course, but more so than I was before. It makes me less dependent out of need and more dependent by choice.

I've also realized that last time was largely an illusion. Things were revealed to me yesterday that lead me to believe I was a tool, a device to create and sustain drama for a needful period of time. What that need was I'll never really know, but…anyway, I'll never know and it doesn't matter.

I'll never allow myself to take this time for granted, but I'm less afraid that it's going to end. I can just enjoy it, unadulterated by fear. It's a wonderful feeling.