A Quiet Space to Be Real

I can't post this on social media. This blog has been dormant long enough that it's a safe space to say things like this out loud and it'll still just be to myself. 

I'm having a really hard time doing anything. Holding on to hope is a struggle. The big hits that just haven't let up have knocked me to my knees. (And yes, I pray while I'm down there.) I should be up and doing something right now and I'm still in bed. I haven't been this immobilized by depression in a long time. 

Typing out this post is working a little magic, though. I guess it's the mirror I needed to put my face back on. Gotta keep the face up! 

Lightbulb

A lightbulb moment in counseling today. Increasingly, I want to isolate myself. Social encounters are scary and fraught and I always leave them feeling insecure and like I've failed. I didn't want to disappoint or hurt people. I feel like I'm not enough and I'll never be enough. If I'm not and will never be enough, especially to my own satisfaction. If that's all true, then why continue to exist?