Once I Was a Man

This post was originally drafted on May 1, 2014, but not published. It started as a reflection on the nature of gender and ended up being different than I intended:

Tyler Glenn, lead singer of the band Neon Trees, was recently featured in an interview in Rolling Stone. American culture loves a good high-profile-Mormon-comes-out-of-the-closet story. Any chance to catch a glimpse at the dark side of such an erstwhile squeaky-clean edifice is titillating, or at the very least affirms for the insecure that Mormons are no better than anyone else.

As with many of these stories, I recognized similarities: knowing I was different at an early age, feeling much more strongly attracted to males than females as a teen, going on a mission to straighten myself out. Mr. Glenn was more overtly rebellious than I was, at least in matters of dress and music. In any case, I was yet again prompted to ruminate on same-sex attraction, being Mormon, and in general the choices people make on the feelings they have that shape their lives. Frankly, at this point, I find the whole thing exhausting, but I still feel compelled to continue verbalizing my thoughts and experiences because this subject affects so many people. Each person that chooses to talk about these things contributes to the discussion and, hopefully, will help ease the way for someone else until this is understood by us all.

Sexuality is fluid. The more I live, the more convinced I am of that. I am also convinced that allowing its expression within the limits of consent and protection from disease is far healthier than suppressing it. It is such a powerful thing, though, entwined with visceral responses and the potential for lasting emotional harm, that expression and exploration must be tempered with wisdom and consideration for the feelings of others.

As a child, I rarely felt masculine. Although I chased girls, had crushes on them, etc., I was more like them than unlike them, an important element in the male/female dynamic of attraction. They usually didn't see me in any romantic light, either, except for those few who felt they could be the dominant partner. Males around my age also rejected me, and my longing to belong with them and be like them morphed into crushes on them.

Surprisingly, after an extremely painful break-up five years ago, I found an aggressive physicality, felt more masculine than I ever had, and finally felt I could feel man enough to be in a straight relationship. Due to several factors, not least of which was my developing sexual ethics and the beginning of my current same-sex relationship, I didn't explore it.

At this point, I feel the complete obedience I was counseled to observe would have left me blindly wandering...and still wondering, endangering any straight relationship I committed to. In daring to live the question, perhaps I am walking by faith in Christ more than I have been given, or have given myself credit, for.