Captured Lightening

A realization is dawning on me and I want to capture the lightening before the afterimage fades. My words, my glib articulations, are a form of armor. My public demeanor is a shield protecting the very vulnerable, insecure kid inside. Unfortunately, most people don't see beneath the surface, so when they're attracted to me, they're attracted to the shield and not to me. In one way or another, this has spelled doom for me in all my romantic relationships over the last ten years or so. It's a cycle. Someone, usually younger than me, expresses interest and I return it. There follows an intense acquaintance period where I drop the mask to bare my soul while I hope that they genuinely do the same. Once that is done, I'm no longer able to easily or comfortably put the mask back on when it's needful and appropriate to do so. The final steps are a cooling period as rapid as the initiation followed by the break up.

This evening, I spent some time pretending to be a high school kid.  In other words, I spent about a half hour hanging around my boyfriend while he worked. To be fair, I did have legitimate business there that had nothing to do with him, but I decided to "kill two birds with one stone" and deliver the gift I'd purchased for him so I could bask in the warmth of his eyes and smile. I believe he genuinely liked the present I gave him, but in a way, it fell flat because we had to behave ourselves in that public place. If he wanted to really show me how he felt, he couldn't. I proceeded to transform into a complete knuckle-dragger. I couldn't say anything clever or witty. I couldn't do anything but think about how badly I wanted to hold him and kiss him and feel his heart next to mine. Now I'm sitting here feeling insecure, afraid the pattern that has plagued me for so long is repeating itself. I hope it's not true, but if it is, I want to learn from it this time so it doesn't ever happen again. Better yet, perhaps by verbally externalizing and publicly examining it, I can keep it from happening now. Perhaps I've broken the cycle and I get to keep this one. I deeply hope so.