There Shall a Star...

I'm glad I didn't check my horoscope today. It would have spoiled the surprises this evening held in store. (Although this blog was published on September 11, 2011, the events described occurred mostly on September 10.)

After a long day of rehearsal with the Trinity Choir, all of whom I cherish, I had plans to spend some time with my good friend, David.  I took a nap, went running, and had a protein shake before going over to his place, where he introduced me to Better Off Ted. That was the first happy surprise of the evening. Brilliantly written and so funny!

Next, David and I went to Charley's to go dancing. I'm glad I went because I learned a couple things and asserted one other that's still pretty new for me.  All of these were happy surprises.

First, I learned that I have my heart back. After two years of healing, my heart is whole. Certain wounds still ache, but they no longer bleed. It's been a long time coming, and I'm stronger for the struggle.

Second, I learned that David can dance! That boy has moves and rhythm that I NEVER expected! He knows all the lyrics, and dances with an abandon of which I didn't think him capable. It was joyful just to watch him, and it was even better to dance with him. I haven't had that much fun on the dance floor for as long as I can remember.

Third, I reasserted my determination not to accept someone's attention just because they were paying it to me. More than one person tried to put unwelcome moves on me tonight, both on the dance floor and off, and I had no problem shutting them down. It was so liberating not to feel obligated or desperate or grateful. I wasn't an asshole, but I wasn't a doormat either. And those people who thought it was appropriate or acceptable to touch me without some sign that I welcomed it need to learn some manners. I definitely do NOT like it!

Finally, I would like to address someone who was also at the bar tonight:  I was just as surprised to find you at the bar this evening as you obviously were to see me there. No, I did not show up just to ruin your birthday celebration, and nothing I did tonight was aimed in your direction. I think it's funny that neither of you are capable of acting like adults. Don't you think it's time we greet each other in public instead of trying to pretend we don't see each other, rushing past each other when forced to briefly share the same space? I'm not saying we have to be friends, but given what's gone on between us, a little civility would make life less uncomfortable for all of us.  Your boyfriend still acts like I'm trying to steal you.  It's been two years since you left me, and you've made it perfectly clear who you chose. At the very least, now I know for certain what I suspected all along and what you never had the decency to tell me to my face.  You went back to him, and you know what?  I'm actually happy for you both. If you two are happy together, then that's where you belong, and I'm finally free of ever wanting you back. That might have happened a lot sooner if you'd had the balls to say something like you promised you would, but it doesn't matter now.

I think all of this means that I like myself. This is new, and it feels really good. It's a step closer to being all one peace.

A Step Closer

I just ended a week-long chat flirtation with a very nice man who was only really interested in my nice arms...and other things. This is important because over the last week and a half, I reverted to some unhealthy behavior I thought I'd left behind me a long time ago. I guess I had forgotten the numbing emptiness that often accompanied such indecency. Apparently, I needed a reminder of why I'd migrated away from the behaviors in the first place. In any case, it felt really good to tell this man, in essence, that I was worth getting to know, and unless he wanted to do that, I was no longer interested in engaging his time or attention. It's also amusing to me that this guy, who had pounced every time I logged into Yahoo since our initial acquaintance, couldn't get away from me fast enough once our exchange verged on becoming real and personal. Some people would say that makes me a tease. I acknowledge their right to an opinion, and am really glad none of them are my friends.

After being treated like a scratching post for so long, mainly because I didn't think I was worth more than that, I'm finally ready to be treated like a human being. I have a lot to offer someone, and I won't settle for anything less than being appreciated for the quirky, loving, frustrating, passionate, tender, profound, caring, obtuse, and sensitive person that I am. I am ready to love and be loved.  It's exciting and scary, and it feels good to be ready for it.

Adieu, sir. You SO weren't what I was looking for.

Merciful Nature

I've been languishing with a sore throat and achy body for the past two days. Last night, I was watching an episode of Nature on PBS about leopards. I briefly thought to myself how simple it would be to be a leopard. I wouldn't have to worry about money or the economy or the possibility of Michelle Bachman becoming president. It occurred to me then, however, that if I was a leopard, I would most likely be the dumb one that got eaten by a lion. I also thought how merciful nature was to kill off the inferior ones so they wouldn't suffer with their weaknesses. Delirium's great, isn't it?

Maybe Darwin Wasn't Wrong...

There are times I stare at the computer screen with my web browser of choice open and think to myself, "I know this is a powerful tool, but what, exactly, can I do with it?" Ultimately, what do I do? I open Facebook to check and see if anyone has validated my existence by posting a comment or sending me a message, or worse, I'll go window shopping on Ebay or Amazon. I know there are other things I could do that would actually improve my life or allow me to accomplish something worthwhile, but instead I waste more time. I feel like a gorilla in a cage who's been given the keys to get out but, instead, just jangles them or tries to chew on them while the humans watch me in amusement. When will I evolve?

Gratefully, there are things in my life that have changed significantly. Most relevant of these to this blog is my willingness to face new or difficult things. It's becoming steadily easier for me to take a deep breath and plunge into the unknown, and this is a good thing. This is where "evolution" occurs. So maybe the question I should ask is, "When will I be able to forsake crawling for walking? And then walking for running?" I hope that learning to run, metaphorically speaking, will help me feel all one peace.