Prayer and Romantic Relationships

Lately I've taken to reading a little before I get out of bed. It seems a more pleasant way of starting the day and I tend to be in a better mood when I do. This morning, after reading about Richard Tauber in J.B. Steane's Singers of the Century, Vol. 1, I was strangely compelled to pull out my Bible and look up prayer in the Bible Dictionary.

I've perused this entry many times before in my life. What always stuck with me was that the purpose of prayer wasn't to change God's mind but instead to change my own, bringing it into harmony with His will. I hated that. It always felt like losing somehow, and seemed to invalidate anything I wanted that wasn't what I was told to want. While I was trying to be a good Mormon, I began severely editing my personal prayers to include only things I thought God would agree to, only those things it was "proper" to ask for. This was a dangerous thing to do, for the wants I suppressed gained strength, mostly due to my resistance of them. Failing to even acknowledge their existence only made them scream louder for recognition. When I apostatized from "the Church" to be a good homosexual, I more or less stopped praying altogether, only resorting to it in times when those I loved were in extreme need, or when I felt the need to pray for them. Obviously God's will and mine were irreconcilable and thus it would be useless for me to pray to Him on my own behalf.

Reading the dictionary entry again brought a fresh perspective to me. I quote the essence of the article: "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them...Christians are taught to pray in Christ's name. We pray in Christ's name when our mind is the mind of Christ, and our wishes the wishes of Christ - when his words abide in us (John 15:7). We then ask for things it is possible for God to grant. Many prayers remain unanswered because they are not in Christ's name at all; they in no way represent his mind, but spring out of the selfishness of man's heart." I realized this morning that it wasn't wrong for me to discuss my true desires with God. Prayer doesn't need to be a form of self-denial. It is not another stick to beat myself with. If God is willing to grant me blessings I want for myself or others, then He will grant them. If not, then there's still no harm in asking. The ridiculous idea that I will offend God if I ask for something "out of line" is just that -- ridiculous. I can still offer my prayers in Christ's name and leave it to God to decide what is the mind and wish of Christ. The act of "corresponding" with God in this way is much more healthy because is it honest. I was always taught that God loves honesty.

After reading and pondering this subject, I remembered that I'd seen a video blog recently about David (of Goliath-slaying fame) and Jonathan, the son of Saul. I wanted to know what the Bible Dictionary had to say about Jonathan, and was quite surprised at what I found. I quote: "His friendship for David, whom he might naturally have regarded as a rival, is one of the most romantic incidents in O.T. [Old Testament] history." The friendship of David and Jonathan is a "romantic incident?" There is a "bro-mance" in the Bible and the Mormons openly acknowledge it? In view of the attitudes with which I was raised regarding male emotional intimacy, this was quite a revelation. I realize that the Church doesn't specifically condemn strong emotional attachments between males, but much of the culture is such that eyebrows are raised at the notion. I wonder if my psycho-sexual development would have been any different if my obvious need for emotional intimacy with members of my own sex had been better understood by those appointed to guide me in this life. I'm not yet going to go as far as other people and say that David and Jonathan's relationship was sexual, but I'm willing to bet there was a good deal of physicality to it. It's definitely something I'm going to investigate. Who knew that a morning perusal of the Bible Dictionary could be so rewarding?

My Teenage Dream

This made my heart beat faster:

I know just how Kurt feels. I would have been in love, too.

Love Actually

Love Actually is one of my favorite holiday movies. Although it requires a pretty significant suspension of my disbelief, it also reminds me of several of the most important lessons I've learned so far in this life.

1. We are all connected. People may scoff at the "butterfly effect", but I wholeheartedly believe that my words and actions send waves of consequence through the web of life. I believe the same is true of all life here. What a joyful thought it is that when I act in a loving way towards someone else, whether it's a small act of courtesy or a large display of unconditional love, that my action goes beyond that person and helps grant life and light to existence as a whole.
2. Love is the greatest power there is. Simultaneously joyous and heartbreaking, love moves everything. Once we are bound to someone in love, we are never truly parted from them ever again. The marks we leave on each other's hearts never truly fade, and they color every choice, every decision, every action, every event from that moment forward.
3. Love takes many forms. Like a well cut gem, love has many facets, each unique and wonderful. No two experiences of love will be quite the same, and yet we are all united by its light.

Call me sappy or delusional. Deride my quixotic view of this existence. I don't care. I choose love. I choose life. Merry Christmas, my friends. I love you.

Christmas Food Court Flash Mob, Hallelujah Chorus - Must See!

Screaming at the Screen

I just finished reading a biography of the life of Maria Callas. I greatly respect this woman as an artist, but I grieve for the tragedy of her personal life. It makes me wonder if there are any beings who feel they are watching my life story unfold on something akin to a TV screen (ie. one-way communication) and are screaming "Don't do that! Look out! Danger! ARGGHHH!" I have a feeling there are and I'm hoping I one day have the strength to really hear them and avoid the oncoming train. An oncoming train...that's gotta' be why the ground beneath me keeps shaking...

Vessels

I wonder why I so often pour my essense into weak or broken vessels. Is it so I can watch them break?

Marking a Date

I have many thoughts but just wanted to make sure I posted something today, seeing as how 10/10/10 won't come around again for quite a while.