Not OK

I'm not okay right now.

I went with Chris and his aunt, Annette, on a visitor's tour of the Idaho Falls LDS temple this morning. It was recently renovated and, as with all temples that have undergone renovation or construction, is currently open to the public to tour.

Walking into the Garden Room was a gut punch. The Garden Room where I finally understood the eternal relationship of men and women. The Garden Room where I saw my dear Grandpa Johnson act in the live endowment. Where I thought the things I had learned were finally going to put my past away.

The Celestial Room. So beautiful. So peaceful. I felt like a prodigal son that had come home only to find that I wasn't welcome to stay.

The saccharine, hideously fake video we had to watch in the church next door before the tour got underway, emblematic of everything that disturbs me about the Church. If the Lord looks on the heart and not on the outward appearance, why is the Church so fastidious about how it looks to the world?

Passing by and through all those sealing rooms. With Chris. Loss in so many ways - what could have been with him. With a her. So many points in the past where I could have charted a different course. Or the Church could have charted a different course. There is no eternal increase with two males, but is that just because of rigid parameters? Can increase be measured in other ways? What about the love I feel for him?

My parents were set to be volunteers today. I didn't know what shift they were on. They didn't know either when I made the reservation. As today came closer and I spoke with them about the trip, I got the distinct sense they didn't want to be there when I was, even though it was Mom's idea in the first place to go together. It's probably best we didn't see each other there. I don't think any of us could have endured it.

Ultimately, I went through with the trip because I felt it was important to future dialogues that Chris have the experience of walking through a temple. Being in one. I'm wondering now if it wasn't a mistake.

There's more, but this is what I can put into words now.