A Riff on Abinadi

Soon after Dad came home from the hospital, he and I had a conversation that was pivotal in our relationship. Never have I felt so accepted and loved by my father. Given our loving but rocky relationship in the past, this was no small thing. That's why it was confusing and hurtful (if not surprising) when, a couple weeks ago, Dad pointed me toward the cover article of the May/June LDS Living, written by the very-handsome Ty Mansfield and his lovely wife, Danielle. Mr. Mansfield is a self-identified Latter-Day Saint who struggles with "Same-Gender Attraction," and who also contributed to Deseret Book's most recent attempt to address homosexuality entitled In Quiet Desperation, published in 2004. The LDS Living article was largely positive, stressing honesty, openness, and respect for the agency of others. It reflects the shifting attitudes in the LDS community on how to treat people who identify as homosexual. That wasn't what distressed me.

Aside from the fact that I resentfully wondered where all this openness and compassion was twenty years ago, it was hard for me to read about another gay Mormon man's currently successful marriage. Mr. Mansfield's wife seems like a lovely woman, inside and out, and their son is adorable. Those closest to me know how badly I have wanted what Mr. Mansfield has. Countless times I've considered trying to make a heterosexual relationship work but have never been able to bring myself to attempt it because...well, with all due respect to Mr. Mansfield's advice to avoid labels...I'm gay. I'm not a full-on Kinsey Scale 6, but because of the potential hurt feelings and confusion living as a bisexual would entail for me, I choose...that's right, I CHOOSE ...to live as a gay man. Ever since I accepted that I was attracted to other guys, it has seemed like the way to live that is least harmful to others. As hard as it is for myself and my family, our pain is nothing compared to what I've seen when mixed-orientation marriages fail. (Am I the servant in the parable hiding his one talent in the ground? That thought often tortures me but belongs in another blog entry.)

Dad didn't intend to hurt me when he suggested I read about Mr. Mansfield's success, but his implicit suggestion that if I tried hard enough I could also have a traditional, Mormon, temple-sealed marriage sent me spinning into spiritual convulsions of self-loathing and soul searching.

However, last night, during another visit to my parents, Dad talked about giving the lesson in Sunday School. The lesson concerned the teachings of Abinadi in the book of Mosiah.  Dad quoted Hugh Nibley saying something to the effect that Abinadi's words contained the fullness of the Gospel, and, although it could have been all in my head, it felt like a little nudge to check it out. As I've been in the soul-searching mode, and the story of Abinadi has always been one of my favorites from The Book of Mormon anyway, very early this morning, I did just that. Here is what I found:

Mosiah 15: 2 - 3 contains an explanation of how Christ is both the Father and the Son. It has always taken some intense thought for me to understand this concept, but as I read and pondered this morning, the understanding I once had of this passage came back to me with something extra included. (Andrew, I think you'll like this.) Because Jesus was conceived by the power of God, being the literal son of God, he was more than a man. To put it in comic book terms, he was a demi-God, like Thor - man, but more than man. This is what gave him his power over sin and death. Because of His special "powers," he could satisfy the demands of justice and take on Himself our transgressions, allowing us to be born again spiritually through Him. He could also break the bands of death, opening the gates whereby we, too, can be restored to our physical bodies, therefore becoming our physical father as well. Even those who do not accept the spiritual rebirth are resurrected. We all become the children of Christ, and He is our father. There are other dimensions to this Father/Son/Father concept, but this will suffice for now, as it establishes Christ's power to lift us (ie. "save" us) and make us His.

Mosiah 15: 10 - 12 talks about those who are the seed of Christ, those who are spiritually born of Him. Abinadi says those who 1) have heard and hearkened to the words of the prophets, 2) have believed that the Lord would redeem His people, and 3) have looked forward to that day for a remission of their sins are the seed of Christ. Last week, Dad and I had a long talk about why he shared the Mansfield article with me, and one thing we discussed was my faith in the words of the prophets. As I read Mosiah this morning, it occurred to me that the purpose of prophets is to persuade people to believe in Christ and to have faith in Him. It is important to remember that, especially evident in the Book of Mormon, the B.C. prophets were getting the people to have faith in a person who didn't exist physically yet on the Earth. Nowadays, prophets are trying to persuade people to have faith in someone who existed here over 2,000 years ago. In either case, this is not an easy task. We don't readily believe in things we can't see.

How is this relevant to my discussion with my Dad? Well, as I understand my Dad, he feels I am disregarding certain words of the prophets, that I am being selectively obedient. My lack of compliance to certain commandments worries him. But if the main purpose of the prophets is to promote faith in Christ, then shouldn't I look to Christ first for guidance? Christ, Himself, said that if we love Him, we should keep His commandments, and what are Christ's commandments? Over and over again, Christ commands us to love God, the source of love and light, and to love our fellow beings. Even if I only focus on the second commandment, I am keeping the first because again, as Christ has said, if I've done it unto the least of my brethren, I've done it unto Him. Loving my fellow beings is loving God.

So what about the other commandments? What about the Ten Commandments, huh? Well, the Ten Commandments were God's way of getting the children of Israel to show love to God and each other. By keeping them from worshiping idols, He was directing them towards the source of love and light. Think about the other "gods" that have been worshiped by other cultures. A majority of them could not be considered sources of love and light. By instructing  Israel's children to refrain from stealing, adultery, coveting, and killing, God was establishing a code of mutual respect and love between people.

In the specific case of adultery, which I have been told would apply to me, there is usually a deep betrayal of trust involved, and great selfishness. I assert that loving, consensual physical relations between two people free from other commitments of exclusivity does not fall in the category of adultery. I might be a fornicator, but I've never cheated on anyone.

Avoiding malice and respecting others is paramount in keeping Christ's commandments. In short, if a prophet issues a commandment that I cannot connect to the two great commandments, I am less concerned about keeping it. I might reconsider that later, but right now, it's where I stand.

Finally, Mosiah 15: 26 - 27 talks about those on whom justice has a claim, those who mercy cannot save. Those that "rebel against [God] and die in their sins," that "have known the commandments of God and would not keep them" have no part in the first resurrection, when the spiritual children of Christ will come forth. (In verse 22 of Mosiah's 15th chapter, Abinadi mentions that those who have believed in the words of the prophets and kept the commandments will come forth in the first resurrection.)

Again, this is a passage of scripture that makes my dad worry for my soul. I don't feel he needs to be concerned as I'm not in any danger. The way I see this passage, Abinadi is talking about those who choose not to love God or their fellow beings. This doesn't apply to me. True, I stumble and make mistakes. I am capable of harmful selfishness, but this is where repentance comes in. Anyone who knows me knows that I would never knowingly hurt someone, and when I am made aware that I have trampled on someone's feelings, I do my best to make it right. Therefore, I am not one of those who is rebelling against God.  

It's been a rough few weeks. In a way, Dad and I have come full circle, from love to fear and back to love. This morning, I feel more love for myself than I have in months, and I have my dad's scriptural enthusiasm to thank. Although it's painful, every time I complete one of these eternal rounds, it helps me in my quest to become all one peace.