Mirror, Mirror

At the gym today, a guy got onto the machine next to mine while I was in the final few minutes of my workout. Everything about his appearance screamed Peter Priesthood Return-Missionary, from his crisp T-shirt and haircut to the "7-Habits"-type book he had brought with him to read. I finished my workout, went to the cleaning station to get paper towels, and on the way back, caught myself thinking derogatory things about this perfect stranger. I mentally derided his time efficiency. What a show-off! Bringing a book about how to increase his productivity while exerting himself on a machine that climbed to nowhere obviously showed what a stick-up-his-you-know-what, self-righteous, pretentious...and that's when it hit me.

I cleaned my machine in silence, stunned by what I'd just heard myself think. I didn't even know this guy! Where was all this mental bile coming from? It didn't take much self-analysis to realize this guy was the embodiment of what I'd been told I was supposed to be all through my adolescence. In fact, from his appearance, he was what everyone I grew up with assumed I was. I had tried so hard to be this guy and failed miserably...several times. I resented his existence. He was too good to be true. No one was that guy. There was always some hideous flaw hidden under the perfect surface.

And I stopped myself again. Obviously my problem wasn't with this stranger innocently chugging away on his elliptical stair-climber, but with myself. If I truly want to be a happy whole, I thought, there has to be a reckoning and a reconciliation. Self-hatred often manifests itself in hostility to others. What to do?

As it is in most of life's dilemmas, love was and is the answer. I need to love both Peter Priesthood and myself. In fact, taking a page from His book, in loving and serving others, one finds love for ones self. I can address both the symptoms and the disease. The next time I catch myself thinking unkind or outright vicious things about someone else, I can stop and find love in my heart for them. I can find ways to serve that person, if it's merely through courtesy if not something greater. The next time I think derisively about myself, I can stop and find love for myself through service for others and in other ways. It really is that simple.

There is more that could be said here, but this is sufficient for now, as one more small piece of me joins the others in peace.