No Apologies Necessary

This last weekend, I went to visit a longtime friend and his partner of ten years. They live in a major metropolitan area with a large gay population. The entire weekend was a series of revelations for me. The most striking to me was how easy it was to be myself without apology. I loved the shops, the clubs, and the acceptance of gay life as a matter of course. In feeling that comfortable, it was also possible to be more than gay; I could be a whole person. It was a marvelous feeling!

Just yesterday, I did find something I needed to apologize for, however. There's something called the Genesis Project here in Pocatello. It's an HIV prevention project that uses social activities to build a stronger gay community and disseminate information about safe sex. Basically the state government pays us to be friends and talk about how to use condoms. Anyway, I found myself verbally trashing a young man who had shown up at the weekly Coffee Night. When I was done, I realized that I'd just spread negative energy. Once upon a time, I was more careful about speaking ill of others. If I didn't have something nice to say, I didn't say anything...or I made something up. So here is my public apology to Tyler, as well as myself. Tyler, I'm sorry I said those things about you. If you want to know what I said, come ask me. As for my self-apology, I'm sorry that I betrayed my nobler self to pander to the inner bitch. It's time to put that part of myself back in the box, and only allow it out when someone is actually trying to harm me. That's the only time it's appropriate.

Wallflower, Take 3

I finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower for the third time today. Sam and Charlie's discussion while she packs for college had a greater impact on me this time through than it had the last two times I read it. I think I was ready for it this time.

I haven't been participating, at least not as much as I could. I spend so much of my life taking care of other people's feelings that I'm often out of touch with my own. It's not that I don't experience emotion so much as I don't know what the emotions mean...or what to do about them. I know this because of an experience I had three weeks ago.

For once in my life, I knew what I wanted and I moved on it and took it. When the person on the other end of my kiss started to ask me what it meant, I told them to shut up, flirty and confident, and went on kissing them. After a couple other attempts at defining this event, the recipient accepted it and we had an enjoyable evening. In the past, I would have clouded the event with words and uncertainty. This time, I acted on what I felt. Although this person and I won't likely be picking out a china pattern or building our dream house, that moment was a revelation to me. No more sideline lurking for me.