I received a message yesterday from a friend asking what the catalyst was for my coming out. This was my reply to him:
M*****,
I’m sorry this reply took so long, but I had to think carefully about what to say and how to say it. You refer to an “about face” and asked me what changed. Perhaps if I tell you a few things about my experience, my answer will be more understandable.
My first sexual experience with another boy happened just after I turned 8 years old. I continued having occasional experiences, mostly with the same person, until I turned 14. At that point, I was old enough to have some understanding of the gravity, in the eyes of the Church, of what I’d been engaging in. I told my parents and they took me to see the bishop. He thought it was something that would go away with time, so he told me not to tell anyone about it, to read The Miracle of Forgiveness, and we never really talked about it again. (Incidentally, he recommended I see a counselor, but at the time, my parents didn’t trust the psychiatric profession at all, so I literally wasn’t able to talk about this with anyone.) All through high school, I managed to refrain from having fun with other people, though I often had fun with myself. For the most part, I was able to appear normal, but there were many unanswered questions I had that were buried beneath my self-denial. I also felt very isolated
When I left home to go to college, those unanswered questions followed me. I also was not prepared to conduct my own life, so the experience was very stressful for me. I retreated into an over-zealous religiosity, offending my roommates and becoming very obnoxious to be around because I was so judgmental. In the second semester, a 26 year-old Peruvian joined the student body of the music department. He could sing much better than most of the rest of us, and I was very interested in him. One day, he told me that his roommates would be gone all weekend and he didn’t like to stay in his apartment by himself. He asked if I would like to sleep over. My instincts told me there was much more to his invitation than his words implied, but I told him yes. A huge battle sprang up inside me between my need to know the answers to my many questions and the warning voices that screamed at me to play it safe. The night of the sleep over, I had this powerful urge to call this guy and cancel, but I told myself that I was being stupid and cowardly. I went to the sleep over.
Within the first hour, the guy started putting the moves on me. It didn’t take him long to get past my defenses. We started fooling around. The encounter didn’t reach full consummation until the next morning. At that point, I freaked out. I realized that there were HUGE consequences for what I’d just allowed to happen, and I wasn’t ready to face them. The guy tried for a while to calm me down, but I left as quickly as I could. For the next few days, he tried to win me back, but I was in full retreat by that time and I killed any possibility of anything happening with him ever again.
I again went to my parents. They took me to the bishop (a different one because the previous one had been released). Working with him and my college ward bishop, I was put on probation for 6 weeks. Four months later, I was taking my endowments out at the temple and preparing for a mission. I was determined that I was going to obey my way to straightness. All through my mission, I followed the rules to the best of my ability. I was able to go for two years without even having fun with myself. Not once.
When I returned home, it became apparent to me pretty quickly that all that obedience on my mission hadn’t “cured” me. To keep an already long story from becoming even longer, I’ll just say that I struggled on for four years, trying to find a way to calm the fire in my blood. There was one girl that I came close to proposing to, but I knew that I couldn’t in all honesty kneel across an altar from her and promise fidelity to her…at least not yet. It ended because she grew impatient and started playing games, trying to make me jealous with another guy. I let the other guy have her.
There finally came a day when I knew I couldn’t run anymore. I was spinning my wheels, getting nowhere in my life, spending all my energy fighting myself. It wasn’t easy to let go of my struggle. It’s been more than ten years and I still find myself somewhat caught between what I’ve felt I was supposed to be and what I am by my physical nature. It’s easier now, though, than it used to be. Being able to talk about it and experience it has helped me understand it better and deal with it better.
Now, how do I know I’m not just confusing strong feelings of friendship with sexuality? I don’t. I fall in love with friends, new and old. The process of opening our souls up to each other is one of the most exciting things, both spiritually and sexually, that I know. It always begins with an attraction to his soul that then develops into a longing for a physical intimacy to complete the spiritual one. I’ve never really wanted that with a girl, at least not that I can remember. In fact, there was once that a female friend of mine tried to put some moves on me that made me so uncomfortable I cried. Broke down right in front of her. That’s never happened to me with a guy. Please understand, though, that I never move on my friends unless it's clear that they welcome the advances. And if it comes to keeping or losing a friendship, I'd much rather have a friend than lose a lover. I have a lot of friends.
How do I reconcile all of this with my feelings about God, Jesus Christ and the Church? I don’t. However, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that God and Jesus are not fond of liars. I figure as long as I’m being honest with myself and others about my thoughts and feelings, that’s got to count for something. And aren’t we here to learn about being human anyway? Wasn’t that what this whole earth life thing is about? Didn’t Eve tell Adam in the Pearl of Great Price that if it weren’t for their transgression, they’d have never known good from evil? I have to trust that if God had wanted to, He would have straightened me out, answering many, many prayers. Instead, I’m still “experiencing same-sex attraction” as the Church calls it. There has to be a reason.
By the way, although I’ve been involved with university organizations that deal with issues of sexuality, I’ve never been president of one. Just thought you should know the truth about that, too.
I hope this is helpful in some way. Thanks for having the guts, grace, trust and respect to ask me.
Sincerely,
Trent
